yut

Soccer Pic

In Uncategorized on 9 April 2006 with 1 comment

This picture was one of the most viewed on Yahoo last week:

I was bothered every time I saw this picture – something about that ass wasn’t too attractive. For a couple days I couldn’t get this outta my head, then Eureka, I realized the problem. My contractor whipped up a much improved version.

Hello Shoes

In Uncategorized on 2 April 2006 with 7 comments

Mim said:

You posted! My Yahoo! told me you had 2 Hello world! entries. Doood at first I thought it was a mistake. Turns out they’re different. I totally need advice though. I think I need new shoes. What do you think?

Women need shoes and that’s no joke. Cover your essentials first. If you’re missing (or need to replace) any of the following, get to it.

Type	Max Number	Example	Purpose	Got it?
Sneakers	1		Firming that ass
Sandals	2		Casual flirty look
Boots	1		So you can actually be knocking the boots
Dress	2		Formal events
Ballbusters	0		No one wearing these are getting anywhere near my boys.

Originally I contracted an artist to sketch up representations of the shoes, but this is what he came up with for a boot:
That’s a penis, not a boot! Fucking contractors.
If you’ve got all the essentials covered, the only shoes that you can really possibly need are fuck me heels – can’t ever have enough of those. Don’t underestimate the impact of these shoes of your life. These visuals will make you a believer:

Without Heels	With Heels

’nuff said.

Hello Monkey

In Relationships, r0x0rs on 31 March 2006 with 7 comments

Reneg says

hi, a guy asked me out over the phone and I said okay without thinking. I know, stupid. I don’t want to hurt him but now I feel obligated to go even though I don’t want to. I was supposed to email him the address of the place I told him about (that’s where we decided to have dinner) but I haven’t yet. he hasn’t emailed or called me since Monday (when he asked me out). i was originally going to email him and change it to just drinks instead of dinner but since we haven’t been in contact for two days, does this mean maybe i’m off the hook by default? or should i just email and cancel or email and do the drink thing?

Capital letters are your friend; poor grammar gets you a yut slap.

If this guy is anything even remotely like me, you’d be a monkey’s ass for not going. If either of you happen to look like a monkey’s ass, don’t go.

Since this guy isn’t me you must not want to do the funky monkey with him. You were stupid for accepting, so here’s what you are going to do:

1. Call him ASAP. Notice that’s a call, not an email. Don’t be a chump.
2. Keep the conversation on point, don’t beat around the bush and drag it out.
3. Mix and match from this list as you see fit.
• You got an offer from a real man.
• The thought of seeing him when you wake up made you nauseated. No wait, that was just morning sickness.
• Ask to meet at a more remote location because your husband’s business trip was cancelled.
• It’s “that” time of the month and you just aren’t in the mood to have to put up with another lying sack of shit who is going to disappear after you’re pregnant…again.
• You need to get a pay raise to support a fifth child.
• After much thought, you’ve decided that you can’t fight the feelings any longer, you want a woman.
• You were drunk when he called.
• You were drunk and having a bad acid trip when he called.
• Your parole officer refuses to reschedule your monthy review.
• Your pimp said meeting aren’t free.
• You’ve given it a lot of thought and you aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him. Apologize for being a flake.

You are going to feel like crap after, but it’ll pass. This is a good experience since you won’t be so quick to accept an invitation in the future. Keep your initial meetings simple and casual (think coffee) so you both have a way out if the good vibes aren’t there. If things are going well through coffee, the two of you can always window shop and talk more. Reserve dinner dates for a third or fourth date if you are both still interested. Beyond that, activities like cooking a dinner together can be a blast. Pop a bottle of wine and let the funky monkey loose. Don’t ever, ever, do a movie as a first date. There’s no point in sitting around silently in the dark staring at a screen. You can do that at home.

Damn, I rock!

Hello world!

In Uncategorized on 29 March 2006 with 2 comments

Need real advice? Answers? Ask.

The pure awesomeness of the truth will make you squeal.

Hello world!

In Uncategorized on 13 March 2006 with 12 comments

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